Should marriage be the TOP priority in a blended family?

By: Mike Anderson

Your relationships need re-balancing

Every stepfamily starts out with their relationships "out of balance". 

The natural progression of family relationships starts with a couple who then become parents — together.  The couple relationship comes first.  The parental relationship is second.

In a stepfamily, that's reversed.  The parent/child relationship has more history and a deeper connection.  To complicate matters, one member of each parent/child relationship is immature, lacks coping skills and has very limited life experience (rest assured, I'm talking about the child here).

The goal is to re-balance your relationships so that the marriage is elevated — while at the same time preserving stability in the parent/child relationship(s).  This is most often a complicated process that takes patience and intentionality.

Couples who are not careful here will experience struggles with Parent-Child Allegiances, feelings of being a Stuck Insider or Stuck Outsider and many other challenges that will threaten their relationship.

It's going to take time for you to work this out.  In fact, the research shows that it takes an average of 7 years for stepfamilies to fully integrate.  So do your research and be intentional about the re-balancing that needs to take place in your home.

Build Your Team

The most effective way to create stability for your kids and be intentional about re-balancing relationships is unity. 

You and your partner MUST learn how to work together as a team for the good of your marriage and your long-term success as a stepfamily.  There will be challenges, disagreements, unexpected circumstances and exhaustion that will all threaten to pull the two of you apart.

When Kim and I were first married, I was blindsided by these realities.  I didn't have any kids and it was my first marriage — so, my unrealistic expectation was that our focus would be primarily on our marriage and my step-daughter, Annika would come second.  That old advice — "The marriage comes first…no matter what!" — made sense to me.

But it was only a matter of months before I realized it wasn't that simple.  And it never would be.  I had to let go of my hopes for a fairytale future with Kim and start learning how to be strategic and intentional.

We had to become a good team.  You need to do the same.

Here's a few tips for good teamwork:

1. Don't avoid. Avoidance simply creates more problems. You'll have enough to deal with. You've got to communicate and work toward common goals.

2. Handle your conflict well. You will have conflict. But here's the thing, conflict doesn't mean your relationship is unstable. In fact, most couples report feeling closer when their conflict is resolved in a healthy way.

3. Make decisions together. All of your kids need the two of you to be united. They need consistency and stability in their home. Establish your code of conduct — as a team. When necessary, decide on consequences — as a team. Work on re-balancing your relationships — as a team.

4. Work behind closed doors. Essentially, don't talk about the kids in front of the kids. They need to see you building unity as a team. Negotiating a decision about them, in front of them does not help. The kids will typically side with their bio-parent and may insert themselves into the conversation and this will drive a wedge between them and their step-parent. Make your decisions behind closed doors — then communicate with the kids.

5. Make time for romance. Step-couples have a lot to manage. The 'business' of running a stepfamily can suck the romance right out of your relationship. Be intentional about building your romance and keep that time just for you. Don’t talk about parenting, chores, finances, etc. Just enjoy each other!

The Bottom Line

So, here's the bottom line:  Your marriage is a major priority — and so is the rest of your stepfamily.

Your job is to balance priorities so that all your relationships thrive in the long run.  If you take the "marriage always comes first" advice too literally like Fred and Wilma, the result will most likely not be what you are hoping for.  And remember that Barney and Betty showed us that the opposite approach is no better.

Keep your focus on creating stability for all the kids, effectively re-balancing your relationships and staying united as a team.  Someday when you're playing with your grandkids (and step-grandkids), you'll look back and be so glad you did!

QUESTION:  Which of the 5 tips for teamwork do you need to work on this week?  Leave a comment below…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/should-marriage-be-the-top-priority-in-a-blended-family

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