Generally when we talk about stepparent-stepchildren relationships it’s from the adult perspective – not the kids. The research into stepfamilies over the years has also tended to follow the trend of an adult focus.
What’s been missing from these conversations is the children’s view.
The reality is that positive stepparent-stepchild relationships actually predict stepfamily stability. In fact, Dr Claire Cartwright from the University of Auckland found in her research that stepparent-stepchild relationships not only impact on how stepparents feel about themselves, but they also affect a stepchild’s self-esteem and the closeness of the step-couple relationship. The relationship you and your stepchild have with each other really does matter – for all of you.
Researchers at the University of North Carolina conducted a systemic review of the available research to find out what children who live in stepfamilies believe makes or breaks a relationship between a stepchild and their stepparent. And, we think it’s important information to share because every stepparent knows their stepkids have a significant role in the stepfamily and play a big part in how bumpy (or not) stepfamily life may be.
Children in stepfamilies tell us there are 4 practical things that their biological parent can do to help them feel closer to their stepparent:
1. Be a role model of respect in the home.
2. Help create positive moments between the stepparent & stepchild.
3. Don’t bad-mouth the other parent.
4. Allow the kids to decide what to call their stepparent.
Close ties between children and their biological parent have also been found to have a positive impact on the stepparent-stepchild relationship in the home. In other words, the better the relationship between your stepchild and your partner the more likely your relationship with your stepchild is going to be a good one. Providing that one-on-one time for your partner and their kids actually helps you get along better with your stepkids. You taking that time to establish a self-care routine or do something fun for yourself is an added (and needed!) bonus.
Stepchildren also say that when they have the ability to talk openly to their parent about their stepparent it helps their relationship with their stepparent. This can be difficult for a stepparent to accept. But at the end of the day, everyone – including children – need someone they can confide in about what’s happening in their life. Kids that are able to do that with the parent that lives with their stepparent feel more comfortable in the home.
From a stepparent’s perspective, it’s in our best interest that the child shares their insecurities, qualms and questions with our biggest supporter and the person who loves us most. These conversations allow your partner to be the bridge between you and your stepkids. Let’s face it. All relationships take time to develop and form. You and your stepkids need time to get to know each other. Why not let the person who knows you both the best help you both? It’s much better than the alternative: your stepkid confiding in their other parent, who definitely doesn’t know you and may not like or accept you being in their child’s life, about your relationship.
Children and adolescents in stepfamilies also tell us that they feel closer to stepparents who:
• Put effort into developing a friendship with them – (even if it isn’t always reciprocated)
• Accept them and their family situation
• Treat their parents well
• Don’t attempt to discipline the child early in their relationship
• Have a flexible parenting style
• Are affectionate to the child – (keeping in mind that showing affection doesn’t always need to be physical particularly for preteens and adolescents)
• Share or show an interest in the child’s interests
• Don’t try to replace their other parent,and
• Communicate with the child often and regularly.
In general, stepkids say that they have closer relationships with stepparents who invest more in their lives than with those who don’t.
Stepkids who have close relationships with their stepparents also report that their stepfamily as a whole:
• Openly communicates about feelings
• Is flexible and able to adapt
• Uses positive communication their everyday talk and their nonverbal cues (tone of voice, body language, gestures, facial expressions, etc)
• Spends time together
• Has clear rules and boundaries that everyone knows and understands
• Uses humor and family problem-solving to create common ground
• Engages in active listening with each other
• Directly confronts problems, and
• Talks about their sense of belonging and togetherness.
The way you speak to each other in your stepfamily also matters according to the kids. Verbal aggression, sarcasm and criticism are the top communication no-no’s if you and your stepchild are to develop a healthy relationship.
And what about your stepcouple relationship?
Surprisingly or not, the couple relationship wasn’t high on the list of things that kids reported make them feel closer to their stepparent. The idea that focussing on your couple relationship will fix any issues in your stepfamily is … well, it’s wrong. Stepfamilies are much more complex than first-time families and successful stepfamilies spend time focussing on each relationship separately (i.e. birth parent/child, stepparent/stepchild, and couple) as well as spending time together as a family too.
Of course, you and your partner arguing excessively and being generally dissatisfied with your romantic relationship, isn’t good for anyone. In stepfamilies, it’s not focussing on EITHER your couple relationship OR the child relationship, but giving equal attention to the couple AND the parent/child AND the stepparent/stepchild relationship that works.
There will, of course, be times where a relationship between a stepparent and a stepchild is just not possible.
In these circumstances, the focus for everyone should be solely on the two of you being civil to each other. As a stepparent, you can and should control how you speak and interact with your stepchild. If your stepchild is unable or unwilling to do the same, it’s time for your partner to step in and set boundaries around respectful and civil behaviour and communication in your home. Having no relationship and engaging in civil communication when it’s required is much better for a stepfamily than an openly negative relationship occurring regularly between you and your stepchild.
As with most things in stepfamilies, stepparent-stepchild relationships, are complex and dynamic. But it is just that which makes them so rewarding and gives us hope they can change. As Dr Lawrence Ganong, a stepfamily expert with the University of Missouri, says –
“…even if stepchildren initially reject their stepparents, it shouldn’t be viewed as permanent. Relationships among stepchildren and stepparents can grow in acceptance, friendship and bonding, regardless of how they begin. Negative relationships don’t have to last forever.”
We’d love to hear what tips and strategies you have used to develop a close bond or civil relationship with your stepkids in the comments below.
Source: http://www.steppingthrough.com.au/what-the-kids-have-to-say/
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