My Step Kids Are Ruining My Marriage

By: Mike Anderson

"…it felt torturous…as the stepmom, I was starting to doubt there would ever be a solution that could make it bearable…"

This stepmom was hopeless.  Her anxiety was growing every time her step-daughter was around.

They just couldn't connect.  She felt disrespected and dismissed…like she didn't belong.

Not knowing what to do, she began finding ways to stay busy, looking for excuses to leave.  She just wanted to create a little separation, but that came at a cost.

She told us that she felt "closed off". 

The real problem was that it wasn't just her step-daughter she was 'closing off' to…she was pulling away from her husband as well.

The more anxiety she felt around her step-daughter — the more separation she felt with her husband.  And she hated that.

She was head-over-heels in love with him and she was sure he loved her back.  So it was clear to her that there was only one problem — the step kid!

Imagine her surprise when she found out that the problem wasn't her step-daughter at all…

What if it's something else?

This isn't a unique story.  In one form or another we hear something like this from step-parents all the time. 

And it's a part of my story too!  There have been several seasons in our marriage that I saw my step-daughter as "the problem".  When I was stuck in that mindset, I felt hopeless, angry and jealous.

I've learned that there were two primary problems when I was stuck here:

1. I was pre-occupied with things I could NOT change.

   The truth is I couldn't change my step-daughter.  So that meant the more I focused on her as "the problem" the less hope I had that anything could change — including our marriage.

2. I was giving my step-daughter too much control.

   If it was my step-daughter that was "the problem" and I couldn't force her to change, then ultimately she had the power to influence my mood, my outlook and even my hopes for the future.  That's way too much power for an adolescent child.

So what solved these problems?

It all came down to shifting my focus.

How United Are You — Really?

When I hear step-parents describe what a problem their step-kids are…I can really empathize.  I know how it feels when it seems like they're threatening your marriage — robbing you of your "happily ever after".

Some children are more difficult than others.  Some have limited capacities or professionally diagnosed challenges.  And some are being heavily influenced by an irrational Ex.

But the problem isn't our step-kids.  The problem isn't you.  The problem isn't your spouse.

Most often, the real problem when step-parents are feeling this way is connected to Unity.

Not unity with the kids or even as a whole family, but unity as a couple.

Now, before you quit reading…hear me out. 

You may be thinking, "Whatever…we're so in love and we've got so much in common.  We want so many of the same things.  Of course we're united!"

That's great!  I've felt that way with Kim since day one.  But being in love isn't the same as being in unity.

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/my-step-kids-are-ruining-my-marriage

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