5 Proven Lifelines to the Step-Parent Who is "Stranded"

By: Mike Anderson

There I was…my head in my hands.  I felt lonely, angry and dejected all at the same time.

When Kim and I walked down the aisle, this just wasn't what I pictured.  I thought we were going to be inseparable.  It was going to be me and her…her and me…constantly connected and tackling life together!

But now it felt like it was her and Annika (my step-daughter) — oh yeah, and that Mike guy too.  I was the tag-a-long…the third wheel.

I didn't feel like this all the time.  The weeks when Annika was at her Dad's house it was a different story.  Kim and I talked, laughed and connected more. 

But it felt like all that connection came to a screeching halt when Annika came back home.  It suddenly seemed like Kim was choosing Annika over me and I became a stranger in my own home.

I was stranded…stuck outside of this "family" that was supposed to be drawing closer together.

And I started to feel like something was wrong with me.  I loved Kim and Annika both very much, so why did I feel so jealous and lonely when we were all together?

The Stranded Stranger Reality

Maybe you've wondered the same thing. 

You love your spouse — and their kids — but, you can't help feeling like you're not quite part of the group.  You can see how close they all are, but you're stranded just outside their little circle and often feel like a stranger when you're all together.

You and I aren't alone.

Just about every step-parent I've connected with has identified with feeling like a "Stranded Stranger".  And research confirms, this is practically universal for step-parents.

Stepfamily expert Patricia Papernow says, "Every time a child enters the room or the conversation…step-parents become stuck outsiders." 

You see, it's a common part of the reality for step-parents.  We get "stuck outside" or stranded and feeling like a stranger.

5 "Lifelines" for the Stranded Stranger

The good news is that we don't have to stay Stranded!  Every Stranded Stranger Step-Parent can reduce those lonely feelings and draw closer to their families…which is what we all really want! 

Here's 5 "lifelines" that every step-parent can use:

Lifeline #1 — Clearly Describe Your Emotions

Part of what makes the loneliness of being a Stranded Stranger so intense is ignoring or denying the real emotions around it.  Most step-parents feel like they shouldn't feel this way — that it somehow makes them a bad spouse or terrible step-parent.

The truth is, those feelings you're evading are common in stepfamily dynamics.  You're not a "bad" anything…you're normal. 

So, just be real with yourself and own how you feel.  Are you feeling angry, discouraged, lonely, jealous or hopeless?  Admit that to yourself and consider even writing your emotions down.

Lifeline #2 — Identify the Triggers

Just as important as the emotions themselves, you need to understand your triggers.  The feelings of being a Stranded Stranger are typically a result of a specific situation or shift with the family. 

You may be triggered when the kids come back from visitation at their other home.  Or maybe your emotions hit when your spouse spends money on the kids that's outside of your agreed upon budget.  Or it could be when you're feeling out of sync around parenting and discipline.

A simple way to figure this out is to keep a journal.  Each time you feel that unwanted emotion, write down what is happening in that moment.  Do this long enough to experience a full cycle of the kids schedule if they're moving between two homes.

Just keeping a journal like this may even help you regulate those emotions in a new way.

Lifeline #3 — Muster the Courage to Tell Your Spouse

This one can be tough.  But suffering in silence is a sure way to drive a wedge into your relationship.

Most likely your spouse loves you and wants to help.  But they can't help when they aren't aware.  If you're keeping your emotions about feeling like a Stranded Stranger to yourself, you're robbing them of the opportunity to support you.

Here's a quick tip for talking with your spouse:  keep it about your feelings. 

Saying something like, "Hey Honey, I've been struggling a bit lately with some feelings that I don't like and I just need to share them with you."

Once you describe how you feel, use your triggers journal to share when those feeling hit.  Stick to the "When this happens [insert trigger] …I feel [insert emotion]" type of script.

And remember to have this discussion when you're both well rested, well fed and in a calm, open mood.  Timing is important for this lifeline!

If you're really stuck in your relationship right now, it might be wise to enlist the help of a trusted mentor, counselor or coach to help mediate the conversation.

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/5-proven-lifelines-to-the-step-parent-who-is-stranded

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