Is Unconditional Love a Reality for Stepfamilies?

By: Mike Anderson

Kim and I were recently having a discussion about unconditional love in a group of fellow step-couples.  I asked Kim, "Back when we first got together…did you expect me to quickly have unconditional love for Annika?" (her bio-daughter)

She thought about my question for a minute…"Yes, I did", was her reply.

I followed up with another question, "…did you expect Annika to have unconditional love for me?"

Without hesitation she replied, "No…of course not."

Wow!  Talk about a double standard.  But here's the thing, when couples get really honest with us — we find they've struggled with the same kind of confusing expectations.

Is it really about expectations?

Every step-couple wrestles with expectations around love.  Some are spoken and some are unspoken.  Some of our expectations are about each other and others are about the kids.

It's not just about the expectations we have about other members of our family, but what about the ones we have for ourselves?

As a step-dad, I wanted to "get it right".  When things weren't going well, I was often frustrated with myself…feeling like I was getting it all wrong.

And the problem is, too many of our expectations are unrealistic…and that sets us up for disappointment.

That all leads me to wonder what kind of expectations we should have about love in stepfamilies.  Or, if we should have any expectations at all!

Maybe unconditional love isn't about expecting a specific result…maybe it's more about the process along the way.

Focus on the Process — Not the Result

If you're like most people, you're focused on results.  

You want your kids to connect with your new spouse…that's a result.  You want your new spouse to love spending time with your kids…that's a result.  You want your teenage step-child to be respectful all the time…that's a result.  You want everyone to love each other unconditionally…that's a big result.

And if you're honest with yourself, what you really want is all of these results — TODAY. 

The problem is that respect, connection and unconditional love are all things that take time.  And every day that goes by where you don't feel you're getting results — when you don't feel respected, connected or loved — you might begin to feel resentful. 

I've been there. 

When I felt rejected by my step-daughter (and sometimes by Kim), I found myself stuck wanting connection…but not wanting to actually connect.  I was hurt and angry and the last thing I wanted to do was try to connect with either of them.  The hope of unconditional love was lost in that moment.

Over the years, I've realized that the more I focused on the results I wasn't getting — the less energy I put into getting those same results that I really wanted.  (Read that sentence again…you may need to think about that for a minute)

Finally, a trusted coach in my life spoke some truth to me.  He called me out — told me to get my head out of my you-know-what and start putting the work into getting what I really wanted.

Here's what I learned…

3 Steps to Focusing on the Process

So, could unconditional love be a reality for your stepfamily?  Here's three steps you can take that may move you a little closer to experiencing it…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/is-unconditional-love-a-reality-for-stepfamilies

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