How to Thwart the Jealousy You're Afraid to Admit You Feel

By: Mike Anderson

So there I was…Stuck.

I had this ugly emotion I didn't dare speak out loud.  I was supposed to be the adult.  I was supposed to feel compassion and empathy for my step-daughter.

Sure…I loved her, but what I really felt was jealousy.

I was jealous when it felt like Kim was only giving me the "table scraps" of her energy, but she had plenty of energy for her daughter.  I was jealous of how close they seemed, but I felt like an outsider in my own home.  And it wasn't just my step-daughter that I was jealous of…I was jealous when Kim paid close attention to what her Ex was up to, but didn't seem to focus on what was going on with me.

And all this jealousy wasn't something that suddenly blindsided me when we first got married like I have heard from other couples.  For me, it creeped in over several years.  That's why I felt so stuck.

Even today it's hard to admit I felt this way.  And at the time admitting what I really felt seemed impossible. 

Admitting it meant I was just a bad step-parent…it meant I was selfish and petty…right?

Or could it be that jealousy is a common struggle in stepfamily life…

Don't Worry…You're Normal

If you're connecting with my experience at all…don't worry, you're not alone.  One research article from the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage states, "…jealousy is not only present between former romantic partners, but also within a variety of other relationships involving parents, children, step-parents, and even grandparents."

It seems that everyone in a stepfamily might feel jealous at one point or another.

And it's not even a new thing!  There was an article published in the Los Angeles Times back in 1986 titled "Jealousy, Frustration are Progeny of Stepfamilies--Not Instant Love".  (Don't worry, I don't know what Progeny means either…I had to look it up.  It means "a descendent" or "offspring") 

So, when I was growing up in my stepfamily back in the '80s, jealousy and frustration were expected to be a part of stepfamily life — regardless of how easy the Brady Bunch made it seem!

If you're still reading this, then you've probably dealt with some feelings of jealousy in your stepfamily just like I have.  Guess what…you're normal.  But being normal isn't an excuse for holding onto that jealousy.

I felt stuck with my jealousy and it slowly turned into resentments.  I had resentments toward Kim, my step-daughter and Kim's Ex.  And resentments left unchecked turn into relational wedges that rip families apart.

2 Steps to Thwarting Feelings of Jealousy

Once you recognize that you're struggling with feelings of jealousy, it's time to move forward so that you can safeguard yourself from those destructive resentments.  Here's two steps you can take to get started:

Choose Gratitude over Grumbling

The positive effects of intentional gratitude has been studied for years in the psychology realm.  Over and over again, it's found that people who focus on what they have to be grateful for tend to experience more happiness, peace and even success.

Grumbling on the other hand will hold you hostage.  Grumbling is like putting blinders on while you're watching the sunset.  All you can see is an excruciatingly bright light that's burning your retinas and causing discomfort.

Gratitude will destroy those blinders so that you can see the full picture…the colors, the beauty and grandeur.  The sun is still there, it's just as bright and it can still burn your retinas.  However, it's no longer your focus and the negative aspects of it no longer ruin your enjoyment of the overall experience.

This is a choice you get to make every day. 

You can choose to grumble about your step-kids because your wife is spending all her energy on them…or you can choose to schedule a date-night with your wife and be grateful to connect with her.

You can choose to grumble each time your husband has to take a call from his Ex…or you can choose to be grateful when he's focused on doing the right thing for his kids.

Grumbling will keep those feelings of jealousy alive and lead you to unwanted resentments.  But gratitude is the surest weapon against jealousy.

Ultimately grumbling will leave you depleted, but gratitude will fill you up!  And you'll need to be filled in order to take the next step…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-thwart-the-jealousy-youre-afraid-to-admit-you-feel

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