How to Move Beyond Painful Guilt and Regret

By: Kim Anderson

Guilt is a strong emotion! 

It can hijack our thoughts and crush our confidence.  Sometimes it can feel like we're in a deep, dark pit.  And when we spend too much time in that pit, guilt can paralyze us and cause us to feel empty inside.  Time in the pit will keep us from reaching our true potential, rob our joy and drain the life out of us. 

I only know this because I've been there!

GUILTY!

Yes…I admit that I'm guilty of allowing guilt to damage my sense of self-worth and morph into an emotional mine field — impacting every area of my life.  And it really isn't all that surprising when I honestly look at the triggers I was up against on a daily bases…

• My Ex rehashing the past — blaming me for everything

• Comparing my situation to friends and family — experiencing envy and inadequacy

• My daughter's complaints around having divorced parents and living in dual stepfamilies

• Cultural expectations and ideas around what constitutes a person's failure or success

The triggers were everywhere and it seemed like getting out of the "guilt-pit" would be impossible!

Guilt vs Regret

While there are various definitions, I believe that guilt and regret are somewhat different. Understanding the differences can be helpful for those of us who struggle with negative beliefs about ourselves and painful emotions around past and current experiences.

Let's start with guilt.  It seems that guilt occurs when we're actively involved in doing something that we know is wrong.  An example might be:  "I feel guilty that I badmouth my Ex in front of the kids.  I know it's not good for them to hear that kind of stuff".

Regret, on the other hand, is the emotion we experience when looking back on an action and feel that we should (or could) have done something differently.  Regret is different from guilt because when the action the took place, we didn't consciously realize we were doing something wrong. 

Maybe the action occurred around a situation we had very little control over or it was a benign action (or inaction) that we later wish we'd handled differently.  "I regret that my kids were exposed to a really nasty fight that happened during the divorce.  I didn't realize they were in the next room and I should've made sure they were out of earshot".

Hopefully that sheds some light into two very complex emotions.  But regardless of which one you're  dealing with, moving beyond guilt and regret is a process that will take time.  Here are three things to consider the next time you feel yourself sliding into the pit of guilt or regret.  

Mindfully Manage your Emotions

Learn to recognize and anticipate what types of situations are likely to trigger an emotional response in you.  This will give you a sense of control over your emotions, rather than being blindsided.  Once you're able to identify your specific triggers, then you can decide how you'll handle them in the future.

For me, I realized that I experienced painful emotions when my Ex would cast blame or voice his negative opinions about me.  So, I decided to start responding differently to this trigger.  I simply embraced a helpful mantra that I repeated to him (and to myself):  "We'll have to agree to disagree about that".  Then, I would politely end the conversation and refuse to internalize his misguided opinions.

I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

I've also limited my exposure to social media because sometimes is causes me to play the comparison game.  I start to feel like I just don't have what it takes, which leads to regret and self-doubt.  

Carefully choose how you'll respond to your emotional triggers…and to unrealistic expectations (self-imposed or otherwise).   And don't turn your kids' complaints into a personal criticism against you.  It's okay if kids need to vent their frustrations. Life can be tough, but don't make mole hill complaints into a mountain range of self-criticism and guilt trips.  

Being mindful means that you bring your conscious attention to what's happening in the moment — instead of getting hijacked by your emotions.  Mindfulness is about letting go of the past and focusing on where you're at right now. 

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-move-beyond-painful-guilt-and-regret

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