Do you secretly have a favorite child in your stepfamily? You know…the one that's easy to connect with and just melts your heart with that adorable smile.
It's common for us to gravitate more easily toward one particular child — this is true even in first family dynamics. But in a stepfamily it's the biological connections that more naturally hold a special place in our hearts. But what does that say about the step-relationships? How does this play out in our daily lives of juggling responsibilities, disciplining and prioritizing our time?
Mine and Ours
I'll never forget how proud Mike was when our daughter Phoebe was born. It was his first biological child and he was over the moon.
I wondered how my 7 year old daughter Annika (his step-daughter) was feeling as Mike showed off Phoebe to family and friends, delighting in every little detail of her being. Did she feel displaced or jealous…did she feel like she had to compete for his love and favor?
Only 17 months later our son Jacob was born. How would these two "ours" kids impact Annika and her relationship with Mike? I wondered if he would favor our mutual children or if he would treat all the kids in the same way.
Love vs Favor
The question we wrestle with is this: Should step-parents be expected to love a step-child the same way they love their bio-child?
We really can't expect love to magically happen in step relationships - it takes time for connection to grow. You may love your spouse madly and therefore 'love' their child because they're a part of your spouse…but that doesn't guarantee that genuine affection for a step-child will automatically become a reality. There really is no such thing as 'instant love' when it comes to blending two families.
The truth is, showing favor is different than love…and favor is a double-edged sword. It can be relatively easy for a step-parent to favor a step-child — behave friendly, supportive and kind toward them. But when bio-children are part of the dynamic, this can become something else altogether. Favor tends to look more like preferential treatment or favoritism toward those with biological ties.
While love is an emotion that grows over time, showing favor is a behavior that we choose.
Honest Communication
Soon after our mutual children arrived, Mike honestly shared his conflicting emotions with me. He'd grown to love Annika, but his love for her was different than his love for Phoebe and Jacob.
I understood this, but it also hurt my heart a little bit. I didn't want his unique connection to our mutual kids to hinder his growing affection for Annika. I also felt protective and concerned for her — I didn't want her to feel 'less than' or 'left out' if Mike showed favoritism toward the other kids.
This was a touchy topic, but the more we communicated about the realities of our dynamic and expressed our feelings and fears, the easier it became. Continual communication helped us to make better decisions when those awkward situations came along. This wasn't always easy, but it was well worth the effort.
I'm grateful Mike realized that the difference he felt in his affection for Annika compared to the younger kids should not translate into inequity in the way he treated all of them. We stayed connected and worked as a team to openly consider how our decisions and behaviors were impacting all the kids.
We took notice of how each child responded to certain situations where favoritism might become an issue. Sibling rivalry is a predictable outcome of parental favoritism, so we were vigilant in watching for signs that there could be a problem. We didn't always get it perfect, but we did our best to show equality for all the kids.
Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-protect-your-stepfamily-from-favoritism
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