How to Handle it When Your Kids Say Something That Hurts

By: Mike Anderson

When you're in the middle of a challenging conversation with one of your kids, focusing first on listening and fully understanding their perspective should be your priority.  When you do, you'll accomplish two things:

1. You'll be validating their feelings which will help them to feel heard and make them more open to your input.

2. You'll begin to uncover what is at the root of their desire for the change their requesting which will help you

You might be wondering exactly how to listen well in these difficult conversations…

…one powerful skill you can put to use is good question asking.  Not leading questions or pointed questions.  But questions based on genuine curiosity about what's happening in your child's heart.

The best questions in these situations usually start with "What…" or "Tell me more about…" - here's a few examples:

• What would be better for you if you spent more time at your dad's?

• Tell me more about how a change like this would impact our time together.

• What's been happening here that is frustrating you?

• Tell me more about what else could help you right now.

These kinds of questions spoken in a calm and curious manner can often draw out the emotions kids tend to keep bottled up inside.  They also allow you to have a meaningful conversation that helps them feel heard without you making any promises of change.

That leads us to step 3…

Step 3:  Co-Create One New Action Step

Kids in stepfamilies often feel like their whole life is out of their control.  Many times an attempt to change things like their visitation plan is really an attempt to gain a little control over their own circumstances. 

You can help them gain a sense of control without giving into their request if you help them come up with just one action step that they can really own. 

As you learn more about what's happening inside them by asking the questions from Step 2, you can then move the conversation toward action by saying something like, "Thank you for sharing this with me.  I can see you're having a hard time with all of it.  I hear that you want to make a change and am grateful that you trust me enough to tell me about it.  I'm wondering what one thing you might be able to do that would improve your situation…"

As a Life Coach, I've learned that the most effect action steps are the ones my clients have developed themselves.  You might wonder…"well then what do they need you for, Mike?"  Haha…I sometimes  wonder that myself! :-)

Just like me coaching a client, you're going to challenge your child to articulate just one thing they can do to make their situation better.  This method can work with just about any challenge they may be having…including their argument to change their visitation.

And if they push back by claiming that the change they want is the only way forward, you can simply respond with something like, "I can't commit to changing the plan right now, and want you to know that I hear you.  With that being said, what else might do to move forward?"

Hang in there even if they get frustrated with you.  Co-creating their action steps isn't about you giving them your ideas for changes…it's about your persistence in asking them what changes they might make.

Words Matter

As you navigate these conversations, consider 2 important words.  One to avoid and one to use…

Avoid "But" — it can be tempting to say things like, "I hear that you're frustrated, but…"  That little three letter word hits the brain and essentially erases whatever you said before it.  Replace "but" with "and"…like this, "I hear that you want to make a change right now, but and it's not something I can commit to at this point.  I'm wondering what else you might do…"

Use the word "Might" — we often ask others what they "can", "could" or "should" do.  These words have a tendency to put us into flight or fight mode.  But "might" means possibilities.  It's less of a commitment to come up with something you "might" do.

These may seem like minor details…just give them a try.  Do a little Googling to check out the research behind these words.  You might be surprised! 

Hang in There…

Kids living in dual stepfamilies often push the boundaries and make requests that are emotionally difficult for parents and step-parents alike.  You have what it takes to hold your ground AND be supportive as you lead them through these difficult conversations.

Think about how you'll approach your next challenging conversation using these 3 steps…and hang in there!

QUESTION:  What's the most challenging part about regulating your own emotions when your child says something hurtful?  Leave a comment below…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-handle-it-when-your-kids-say-something-that-hurts

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