How to Positively Impact Your Stepfamily's 'Long Game'

By: Kim Anderson

Last week Mike encouraged everyone to celebrate little wins and let go of 'touchdown' expectations.  We've practiced this ourselves over the years and it's helped to increase the contentment and enjoyment we've experienced - even while we continued to face challenges in our stepfamily.

But this week I'm going to offer a different perspective.  I want to challenge you to back up and look at the bigger picture — because maintaining focus on the long game is so important in stepfamily life, and here's why…

The Short Game vs The Long Game

So often we tend to get caught up in the short game - we're overwhelmed by those daily demands that hijack our time and energy.  And if you're like me…you probably end up making snap decisions in the moment without considering the long-term impact of those decisions.  The bottom line… we get swept away by the short game and this makes it really difficult for us to keep our top priorities straight.

The Urban Dictionary says 'the long game' is having a long term plan, long term goals, or doing things now that set you up for the future.  Sounds good - but what does that look like in our daily family lives?  How do the decisions we make every day impact our family's long game?

The Path of Least Resistance

It's natural for all of us to gravitate toward the path of least resistance.  As someone whose lived in a stepfamily for 17+ years, I know what this looks like:  How quickly can I appease my Ex just to get him off my back…What's an easy fix to make everyone feel better…What can I say (or not say) to dodge a disagreement with my spouse? 

We make countless decisions every day to try and circumvent difficulties and maintain as much peace as possible.  Sometimes we're blatantly avoiding - but other times we naively do what we think is best…in the moment.

But what if taking the easy road doesn't lead to what's best?  What if choosing the path of least resistance, actually ends up destroying our family's long game?

My BIG 'Upset'

When I got divorced, I knew that having a cooperative co-parenting relationship was important,  but I struggled every time I had to negotiate with my Ex.  He's a demanding, condescending guy who insisted on having everything go his way.  And while it's true that cooperative co-parenting is ideal and good for the kids, I really got off track when I failed to maintain healthy boundaries with my Ex.  I often agreed to his unreasonable demands even though I really wasn't okay with it and I wanted something different. 

I was afraid of rocking the boat and I didn't want to deal with the protests that would certainly come if I spoke up.   So I took the path of least resistance — I caved into his demands almost every time.  This seemed easier than having to speak up, engage in difficult conversations and attempt to hold healthy boundaries.

But after 10 years of co-parenting, my Ex became misguided and without cause, he took action to prevent my daughter from visiting our home or continuing a relationship with us.  I was shocked and unable to respond.  Because of my silence and complacency over the years, I was left without a voice.   By not holding healthy boundaries with my Ex, I'd dug myself into a dark silent hole and standing up to him now seemed impossible.  He had all the power and everyone knew it.

Long Game Impact

You're probably wondering what this story has to do with playing the long game in our stepfamilies.  Well…I've come to realize that for years,  I'd been playing the short game with my Ex — just trying to get along and appease him.  But instead, I should've been thinking about the long game and making decisions based on our family's priorities…the right things!  

I thought it was harmless to take the path of least resistance, but I was wrong.  This can cause a lot of damage and regrets. 

I'd made too many of those 'easy road' decisions and I'd given away my power.  Now I was facing a daunting and overwhelming struggle — opposing my Ex and fighting for my parental rights.  This greatly impacted our family's long game.  We ended up in a 3 year legal battle which drained us emotionally and financially and negatively impacted everyone in our family.  Especially my daughter.

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-positively-impact-your-stepfamilys-long-game

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