How to Stop Having to Choose Between Your Kids and Your Partner

By: Kim Anderson

2. Cultivate Compassion

Honest communication is the first step in becoming a united team.  The next step is looking at the situation through eyes of compassion by putting yourself in the shoes of others — your partner and the kids.  It's also very helpful if you can decide to give each other the benefit of the doubt and not take things personally. 

Usually everyone (the adults and kids) are just trying to get their needs met in very complex and confusing dynamics.  It simply isn't productive to make unfair assumptions, judge motives or place blame.

When Mike and I were struggling, I asked him to consider my feelings and my fears.  He started to understand my perspectives and in doing so, he was able to develop compassion for me and for my daughter.  But for us to move forward, I had to do the same.  I needed to really understand his needs and frustrations and cultivate compassion for his position as well. 

Having genuine empathy and compassion for each other will help couples to feel more connected and safe…and this is a great place to be when working though difficult issues.     

3. Check the Crockpot

We all need to understand that when a parent starts dating or remarries, children often experience fear and insecurity.  It's normal for kids to become needy or even act out.  They may appear to be competitive or manipulative, but they're really just seeking security in a situation that has created unexpected changes and uncertainty for them. 

There is no way around it — healthy integration takes time and patience.  We like to say:  "Low and Slow" -  just like crockpot cooking!  Consider how long you've been in the "crockpot" and where you're at in the process of functioning effectively as a family (the average is 7 years).  This is important when making decisions around priorities. 

Early in the stepfamily's development, step-couples should purposefully choose to accommodate the children and meet their needs as much as possible.  This is a united decision you'll make as a couple.  But as time goes by and you've spent some significant time in the crockpot, parents will need to gradually shift and focus on meeting the needs of BOTH their kids AND their partner.  

From 'Either/Or' to 'Both/And'

It's common for couples like Ben and Marilyn to get stuck in what they believe is an 'either/or' position — choose the kids OR their new partner.  But it doesn't have to be this way.  If the couple can get on the same side of the table — openly communicate and extend compassion, this will help in making united decisions that turn 'either/or' into 'both/and'.

Since Ben and Marilyn hadn't been in the crockpot very long, they made a unified decision based on what was best for their integrating family.  They decided that Ben would spend one-on-one time with Carrie and focus on her at the beginning of each visitation.  They also agreed that while Carrie was at her other home, Ben and Marilyn would create some special time for them to connect and plan a fun activity with Marilyn's kids as well. 

Their strategy would give Carrie the reassurance she needed to feel secure in her relationship with dad and gently ease her into the new family dynamic.  Marilyn was willing to make some short-term sacrifices, knowing that her needs would also be made a priority.  Because this was a unified decision, Marilyn was able to easily manage her emotions and avoid resentment and competitive feelings toward Carrie.  And Ben could relax as he emotionally supported and cared for his daughter.  

Slow & Steady Leads to Big Wins! 

Ben and Marilyn discovered a healthy rhythm that meets everyone's needs.  They know it's going to take time, patience and consistent effort to integrate their family, but they're excited about moving forward as a team in making their relationship the foundation of their home.

Every step-parent wants to be valued without feeling they have to compete.  Every bio-parent wants to care for their children without feeling torn.  Both of you may have started off with high expectations about how blended family life would be and you've probably experienced some disappointment.  We've been there too. 

Don't get stuck in conflict and confusion.  Work as a united team to strategize healthy ways to manage your unique dynamics so that everyone in your step-family learns to live well in the tension!

QUESTION:  How can you live in more of a 'both/and' approach in your blended family?  Leave a comment below…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-stop-having-to-choose-between-your-kids-and-your-partner

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