We all seem to enter into stepfamily life with different perspectives and expectations around how our home will operate. We want peace, but we experience chaos. We want cooperation, but we get resistance. We want supportive and caring relationships, but we encounter conflict and disrespect.
At some point, every step-couple realizes they need more structure and healthy boundaries in their home. But they often get stuck…
- How do we manage our different parenting styles?
- How do we get all the kids to behave and be respectful?
- How can we achieve order and peace in our home?
Change needs to happen…but where do we begin?
To answer these questions, let's first take a look at my favorite power-packed reality TV star, Super Nanny Jo Frost! Nanny Jo has a knack for turning around a crazy, chaotic household and she knows how to create structure and peace — even under extreme circumstances.
Super Nanny Cuts to the Chase
I am a HUGE fan of the show 'Super Nanny'! When my kids were little I was a bit obsessed watching Nanny Jo. Her no-nonsense approach to managing kids and moving families forward is impressive, to say the least.
Nanny Jo is observant, direct, effective and caring. She's mastered the art of speaking the truth in love — to children and adults. And…she does it all with that charming British accent, which makes me chuckle!
The Transformation
My favorite part about the show is having a front row seat to the transformation of each family. Every family she works with is unique, but every single time the kids start out in the same place — they resist change and fiercely rebel against Nanny Jo's ways. It's an uphill battle all the way. These kids are unruly, destructive, disrespectful and out of control!
But by the end of each episode the kids have done a complete turnaround. They've learned to accept new expectations for their behavior and to respect healthy boundaries. The whole family appreciates the difference that Nanny Jo has made in their home and there's always a tearful goodbye when she takes flight in her little British car (I'll admit that I sometimes cry along with the family).
I'm amazed to watch these struggling homes go from absolute chaos to structured peace and loving relationships. It's such a tangible picture of how expectations and healthy boundaries can transform a family's future.
Start With the Right Approach
One of the first ways Nanny Jo starts the transformation process is by implementing 'House Rules'. Now because her families are often dealing with some pretty extreme behaviors, it makes sense that Nanny Jo's House Rules are quite lengthy.
But most step-couples aren't dealing with such extreme behaviors. They just need to get everyone on the same page and moving in the right direction. And implementing a big list of rules can be overwhelming and unproductive.
Sometimes it can feel like we're just shooting in the dark. We want things to be different, but we aren't sure what approach to take.
Due to the challenging dynamics that come along with stepfamily life, your approach needs to be strategic and discipline must be handled with care.
Mike and I like to use the term 'Code of Conduct' rather than 'House Rules'.
House rules often come with an expectation for the kids to just comply and conform. This can create disconnection and resentment in step relationships. But when creating a 'Code of Conduct' for your stepfamily, you should be intentionally moving forward in a positive direction — toward your 'Desired Destinations'.
Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-start-transforming-your-blended-familys-future-part-1
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