In last week's article we explored how one step-couple is transforming their home and changing the trajectory of their family. Kevin and Jenny were able to identify what's most important to them by considering the relationships in their family, the atmosphere in their home and their highest values. We call this their 'Desired Destinations'. This process took a little time, but exploring what they each wanted for their family was beneficial and helped them to really focus and prioritize.
Kevin and Jenny are being intentional in leading their family forward in a positive direction. They want to avoid ending up in a 'Default Future'.
Now they're ready to start dealing with some of the behavioral issues going on in their home.
Reality Check
Before we move onto the next steps, let's get real.
As we coach step-couples, Mike and I notice how each partner can quickly produce a very long list of all the behaviors they want to change with each other's kids. Usually, they want those changes to happen right away. But this simply isn't realistic in stepfamily life.
Some step-couples will try rolling out a whole bunch of new rules and expect all the kids to comply and conform. But this approach can lead to disconnection, resentment and more disappointment.
We need to understand that the kids (and the adults) living in a stepfamily have already been though so many changes — most of them unwanted and unexpected. Change is hard under any circumstance, but every member of a stepfamily has experienced disappointment, loss and more than their fair share of challenging changes.
We coached Kevin and Jenny to keep their focus on the Desired Destinations they have for their family and to prioritize what's most important in this season. But this meant that they both had to let some other stuff go — some things they wanted to change, but weren't an immediate priority.
We all need to keep our expectations realistic as we move forward — slowly and intentionally.
Execute Your Code of Conduct
Once Kevin and Jenny got clear on where they wanted to lead their family and what their current priority was, they were ready to execute their family's Code of Conduct.
Communicate Your Family Values
First, consider how to best communicate to the kids. Maybe it's a family meeting with everyone present, or maybe it's better for the bio-parent to communicate directly with their kid.
Then, clearly communicate your Desired Destinations to the kids and define what's important to you and why. Remember last week, Kevin & Jenny were struggling with Kevin's younger kids getting into their step-sister's stuff when she wasn't around. Here's an example of how they might handle that:
"Listen kids, you need to know that in our family it's really important to treat each other with respect — that includes each other's stuff. We all need to know that our personal space and our things are being respected — even when we're not here."
You might also decide to share a personal experience about how your life has been impacted by this particular value and invite the kids to respectfully share their experiences as well.
Once everyone is clear on the significance of the family value, you can move onto the next step.
Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-implement-a-simple-code-of-conduct-in-your-home-part-2
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