3 Easy Ways to Stop Focusing on Your Differences

By: Mike Anderson

They say that opposites attract — but it doesn't always feel that way!

Kim and I are like apples and oranges.  Our personality…our communication style…our approach to parenting are all just about as opposite as you can get. 

When the pressure is on and we should be working as a team — our differences can trip us up.  Maybe you can relate.

But, we've learned a few secrets over the years that help us stay connected — despite all our differences.  As we work with more and more stepfamilies, we're also learning that every step-couple can stay connected — despite their differences — by shifting their focus.

Here's 3 simple ways you can shift your focus:

Emphasize What You Do Have in Common

You and your partner have something in common. 

Maybe you enjoy the same kind of food or you laugh at the same kind of humor.  Maybe you like the same outdoor activities or the same movies.  If you can't figure it out, think back to when you were dating.  What did you both genuinely like doing together?  Hint:  I'm not talking about the stuff you tolerated because you wanted your partner to like you! :-)

Think it through.  Come up with at least three ideas and write them down.  If your partner is willing, have them write down their ideas too.  Then compare your lists.

What are the things on your list(s) that seem to have disappeared?  They're missing in this season of your relationship. 

Figure out a way you can revive at least one of those things this week. 

When you start with small things that you enjoy together, you'll begin to reduce tension and shift your focus away from your differences and toward what you have in common.  This is a simple starting point.

Clarify Your Shared Values

Two of the most common differences couples wrestle with are their styles of communication and parenting.  They often get high-centered on their different approach, but completely miss that they both desire the same results.

Kim and I spent several years stuck there too.  We often wasted time and energy arguing about the little things, rather than looking at the big picture.  When we were able to start focusing on the Values we wanted to establish in our home, we discovered that we both wanted the same things.

Take a few minutes to consider your most important values.  These are the words or phrases that describe the "climate" you want in your home.  They're the things you want to see developing in the character of your kids and step-kids.

Here's a few ideas to get you started: 

• Respect
• Fun
• Generosity
• Responsibility
• Openness

Ask your partner about their values too.  You may be surprised at how many you have in common. 

Clarifying your shared values will help you lead your family as a team rather than wrestling with each other to get your own way.  Your values will get your focus off your style differences and onto the results you really want for your family.

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/3-easy-ways-to-stop-focusing-on-your-differences

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