How to Guide Your Kids Through Unexpected Change

By: Mike Anderson

Change is hard…

…that seems like an understatement for blended families.  Unexpected changes tend to blindside us around every corner. 

Rapid change is challenging for step-couples to navigate - it's even more difficult for kids. 

Three Snapshots of Unexpected Change

I remember as a kid being excited about my dad's upcoming wedding.  I have no memory of my birth mom.  So, for me, Dad's marriage meant I was finally going to have a "mom" like all the other kids!  But, it wasn't long after the wedding that I discovered just how harsh and unforgiving my new step-mom was.  It was an abrupt and unexpected change that I didn't know how to deal with.  And Dad didn't know how to help me through it.

Years later, it was my wedding day - I was about to become a step-dad to Annika.  What I didn't know was that the night before, Kim was muddling through a tough conversation with Annika who was 5 at the time.  She expressed to Kim that she didn't want us to get married.  She was never able to identify a reason, but I'm betting it was because she was fearful of all the changes that our marriage would bring for her.

Fast forward to Annika turning 12 and everything was about to change again.  After a decade of peaceful co-parenting between Kim and her Ex, everything fell apart.  Unexpected and unexplainable changes hit and we found ourselves thrust into family court for a battle that lasted 3 years.  And the one that struggled most was an adolescent child that didn't ask to be trampled on the battlefield.

These quick snapshots are all common challenges most kids face in stepfamilies.  They're caught off guard when a step-parent or step-sibling doesn't respond the way they expected.  They're often fearful of the unknown or rapid change.  And they struggle being caught in the crossfire when tensions rise between their two homes.

Moving Forward

Parents often assume that kids are easily adaptable simply because they're young.  The truth is that kids lack the maturity and coping skills that you and I have developed as adults.  We see our kids acting out or isolating and we focus on their behavior - so we look for a behavioral solution by doling out consequences.

However, the keenest parents and step-parents recognize that their kids' behavior is rooted in something deeper.  These parents back up to see a bigger picture.  They recognize that the rapid or unexpected changes their kids are experiencing is often at the root of negative behavior.  So, they work to help their kids move through fear and anger in very simple ways. 

Every parent/step-parent can help their kids reduce fear and anger by simply showing up in 3 distinct ways:

Listen

How often do you listen…really listen?  When your child is expressing anger or frustration, are you listening to resolve the problem?  Or, are you listening simply to understand?

We all want to be listened to and to feel heard.  Our kids want that same thing. 

But, this isn't easy for us.  It can bring up feelings of sadness or guilt when we're reminded of the pain our kids are experiencing.  So, we deflect their complaints, try to "fix it" or sometimes just ignore it altogether.  We've been there - Kim and I get it.

It takes courage to really listen to our kids.  To ask questions about how they're truly feeling and to help them feel heard.  If you're still reading this, I know you've got the desire to help your kids feel heard.  So, I'll offer one thing you can do to make that happen. 

The next time your child begins to open up about their fears or frustrations with stepfamily life, have the courage to ONLY ask questions.  Avoid the temptation to try and fix their problem or change their mind.  Just ask questions that help them know you really care. 

Here's a few to get you started:

• Can you share a little more about how you're feeling about that?
• What is it that makes this so challenging for you?
• What do you wish could be different?
• What do you see that's going pretty well right now?

Open ended questions like these can help you better understand your child and help them to know you really want to listen.

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-guide-your-kids-through-unexpected-change

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