One Step-Couple's BIG WINS in Parenting as a Team

By: Kim Anderson

Two Strategies to Move Through the Tension

1. Help Kids Process their Emotions  

The best thing a parent can do for their hurting child is to enter into their painful reality.  Kids experience negative emotions like anger, fear and sadness.  Accepting and working through these emotions can be a difficult process for both parent and child.   But please don't avoid this struggle -  If kids don't talk it out, they'll act it out (same goes for us adults)!    

Richard was able to sit down and connect with Hannah  -  this helped him to understand more about what was going on with her emotionally.  To do this he needed to be empathetic and realize that her experience living in step family dynamics was very different than his.

When a parent is able to empathize with a child and help them to identify their feelings, fears and concerns, they will gain valuable insight.  Richard and Sandy used their new insight to create a strategy for their family moving forward.

2. Move Forward as a United Team

When Richard and Sandy were able to work together to explore what Hannah was experiencing and brainstorm how to best meet everyone's needs, they experienced some BIG WINS:

Big Win #1  Choosing to be united in their decisions reduced conflict and grew their partnership.  Sandy no longer felt like an outsider whose life was being manipulated, instead she felt like a parenting partner with Richard as they agreed to implement some new strategies.  They were a functioning team!

During Richard's heart-to-heart talk with Hannah he'd learned that she really missed snuggling on the couch and watching movies with him.  She expressed that Sandy's presence sometimes felt "awkward" and made her miss the relationship they used to have.  She seemed to be experiencing sadness over the loss of this cherished time with Dad — time that made her feel secure and loved.

Richard and Sandy brainstormed and decided to intentionally schedule some 'one-on-one time' for Hannah and Richard during each visit.  Sandy agreed that she would use that time to visit with friends or indulge in some self-care.  This was a united decision!  They also scheduled some couple-time for them to enjoy and grow their romantic relationship - everyone's needs would be met!

Big Win #2  When Richard and Sandy picked Hannah up for her next visit,  Sandy cheerfully announced that she'd be spending Saturday afternoon with some friends.   She also expressed excitement about Hannah getting some special alone time with her dad while she was gone — she was genuinely happy for Hannah.  This deescalated the tensions right away.

Hannah's behavior began to change.  She no longer had to act out or manipulate to get what she needed because Dad and Sandy were taking care of her needs.  She also recognized that the adults were united in their decisions and they were both on her side.  This caused the rivalry between Sandy and Hannah to fade.

Richard and Sandy can use this process to address other issues where Hannah seems to be having a hard time and they can continue to rack up some big wins for everyone!

Explore, Evaluate, Experiment and Educate

We coached Richard and Sandy to continue to talk on a regular basis and explore ways to slowly  integrate Sandy into select movie nights — when the timing felt right for everyone. Then they would evaluate how things went based on their observations of Hannah's behavior. 

Richard kept communication with Hannah open and invite her into the process of experimenting with different family activities when Sandy was included. 

The reality is that kids can struggle with these complex dynamics.  But, you don't have to stay stuck in conflict.  Just like Richard and Sandy, you can seek stepfamily education and learn how you can implement healthy strategies that meet everyone's needs and keep you moving forward as a united team.      

QUESTION:   What's one new thing you can do to work as a united team around parenting decisions?  Leave a comment below…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/one-step-couples-big-wins-in-parenting-as-a-team

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