How to Combat Toxic Influences from the Ex

By: Kim Anderson

2. Put 'Pebbles' in their Shoes

A pebble in a shoe is a little annoyance that can't be easily ignored.  It motivates a person to stop and adjust something.  This will require some thought that eventually leads to action.  Every time a child launches an attack against you, you have an opportunity to either affirm those toxic opinions they're hearing from the other parent or challenge their beliefs about you by 'putting a pebble in their shoe'.

An effective way to do this is by killing them with kindness!  If you choose to respond with kindness & understanding — especially when the child is acting negatively toward you - you are putting a pebble in their shoe.  Your gentle behavior and caring character contradicts those toxic things they've heard from the other parent.  Once kids experience enough pebbles, they are naturally motivated to question, stop and think! 

Every small act of kindness is another pebble the child will eventually have to consider.  Gradually, the negative influence will lose its power and sooner or later the child will decide for themselves what the truth really is.  This strategy helped my daughter to internalize the truth and recognize the lies.  But this only worked because we took the high road and didn't stoop to my Ex's tactics of bad mouthing.  

Be very careful not to cross the line by bad mouthing the other parent or telling the child what they should and shouldn't believe — this isn't helpful.  The best approach is to be consistent in how you respond.  A thoughtful and kind response will reflect the truth about who you are.   An apathetic, cold, defensive or competitive reaction will only confirm the lies they've heard.  You can undo the lies and help kids to see who you truly are, but only by being wise in how you handle every interaction.

3. Tackle Your Own Emotions

One thing that gave me some much needed relief was taking care of myself by getting help with my own emotions.  My counselor gave me a safe place to get things off my chest and healthy ways to process and cope with the situation.  Being rejected and treated badly by an Ex and the kids can really hurt, but don't allow painful emotions to take over.

Reach out for help from a trusted friend or counselor who won't just shower you with sympathy.  Find someone who will help you to move through your tough emotions and get to better place.

Change Your Focus - Change Your Reality

In our painful season (which lasted three long years), I learned that when I chose to focus on healthy changes that were within my power to control, I experienced more peace.  You can make this choice too by patiently staying the course and keeping your expectations realistic. 

Be wise in how you handle yourself in the heat of the battle — a pebble in a shoe is a victory for you!  Also, do your best to understand the kids' perspectives and what they're having to navigate  through in this season.  And don't forget to stay united in your partnership, focusing on your specific roles as bio-parent and step-parent. 

You can choose to positively impact and change your challenging reality - it may not be easy, but it will be worth it!

QUESTION:   What can you do to change your focus so that you can positively influence your stepfamily's future? Leave a comment below…

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/how-to-combat-toxic-influences-from-the-ex

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