4 Tips for Choosing the Best Blended Family Advice

By: Mike Anderson

2.  Get Out of the Consumer Mindset

We've all grown up in a culture of consumerism.  We're bombarded with messages that continually reinforce the WIIFM mindset — that's What's in it For Me?!

The consumer mindset doesn't work well in family life, yet we're all unintentional victims of it!  We instinctively know it's better to focus on giving more than getting, but when we're feeling hurt, lonely, angry, etc. - that can be difficult to do.

When you're taking advice that you hope will transform your blended family, ask yourself if it's focused more on giving.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not suggesting you drop healthy boundaries.  But, keep in mind that it is possible to hold good boundaries and give at the same time.

That forum moderator wasn't focused on good boundaries.  They suggested creating impenetrable walls.  Relational walls will never create the thriving blended family this hurting step-mom was really looking for.

If you want to see your blended family thrive too, make sure your advisor(s) challenge you to stay focused on giving and away from that consumer mindset.

3.  Connection Before Correction

If you've spent any time on our blog or in our video course you've heard  us quote Patricia Papernow - "Connection, not Correction".  This is a rule of thumb for step-parents suggesting that they stay focused on building bonded relationships with their step-children before they attempt to administer any discipline. 

But, let's tweak that quote a bit and apply it in a different way.  We all need to learn to focus on Connection Before Correction

When the challenges of stepfamily life have you feeling hopeless, you just want to fix the problem — right?  The problem being your negative experience.  Maybe you're being treated disrespectfully and that hurts.  Maybe you feel stuck between your kids and your partner and you can't see a way out.  Or maybe you're just lonely because your partner and step-kids are tight and you feel left out.

Rather than simply trying to Correct or fix the problem of your own pain, look first to the root of the problem.  In many cases, the root is a connection issue.

Good advice will keep you focused on building relational connection as a first step in correcting the problem you're facing.

There is a direct correlation between relational connection and peace in family life.  This is true for any family form, but stepfamilies are challenged from the beginning.  New step-relationships mingle with the established connections of bio-relationships bringing challenges that first families don't have to navigate.

Make sure the advice you follow is helping you discover new ways to build connection first.

4. Beware of Silver Bullets

Research shows it takes an average of 7 years for a stepfamily to function well together.  That's a long time!

The truth is, there are no magic formulas or quick fixes to solve the variety of challenges blended families face.  The key to winning is not by hitting a few home runs - it's by hitting singles over and over in every inning.

When you hear advice that sounds too good or too easy to be true…it probably is.  Advice that's realistic about imperfect progress and open about the hard work it will take to implement will keep you moving forward.  "Silver bullet" advice for stepfamilies will most often lead to setbacks, feelings of frustration and more disappointment.

Most step-couples find that their journey to success is an uphill climb.  Steer clear of advice that suggests it's a walk in the park.

Move Toward Your Goals

You probably have a goal for your stepfamily - your desired outcomes for your relationships and the values you want to instill in the kids.  If you aren't sure of your goal — ask yourself how you want the kids to describe their experience of growing up in your stepfamily.  The answer to this will give you some good goals to reach for.

Don't let bad advice get you off track.  That will only move you away from your goals.  If you're considering advice and the source is good, it keeps you focused on giving and connecting, it's not a "quick fix" and it moves you toward your goals - it might be advice worth following.

QUESTION:  What other ways do you filter out bad advice?  Leave a comment below...

Source: https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/blog/4-tips-for-choosing-the-best-blended-family-advice

The content is owned by Mike Anderson. Visit site here for other valuable articles.

Share Us Your Thought!

You are invited to share your thought related to the post above in the comment box. You can share about your tips/experiences as parent or as a kid (if you're in that position).

Would You Share The Post?

And if you find it's interesting post and have a value for others, please share it to your friends. Thank you.